(Written 8/19/18)
I just finished a four week bible study series on hospitality with a group of college-aged folks from my church. Now, hospitality is kind of an unusual topic for a bible study. There are many, many other topics that would come to my mind before hospitality if I were asked to lead a topical bible study. In fact, when Brad announced that we were going to be doing a short study on hospitality to round out the summer, everyone was kind of like "meh, okay." I didn't have anything against it, but I was not particularly excited for it. Yet, this has been one of the most soul-feeding bible studies I've ever been a part of.
A lot of that is due to Brad, I think. His own character has shown through in leading the study: his love for God and love for people. And he is also a phenomenal small group leader. He leads discussion into deep and interesting topics and has done a great job of drawing meaningful contribution out of everyone.
I am in and of myself naturally completely lacking in hospitality, it is just not something that I have ever done, but this study has given me a desire to really care for people as I go back to college. Last year I was very concerned about meeting people I'd like and making good friends so I would enjoy college and not be lonely. This year (though I am once again on a hall where I know no one, having been separated from my buddies through some unfortunate problems during housing registration) I want to focus on others, meeting people and talking to them with the intention of getting to know who they are so that I can be a means of Christ's love to them. Going to college can be incredibly jarring for people, being separated from their family and all they've ever known, and I want to be able to help someone through that. I want to be able to talk to and care about everyone I see on my hall.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Saturday, August 18, 2018
What I Should Be as a Man
(Written 8/19/18)
People have a tendency to make long lists of requirements they want in a potential mate, without ever considering why a person who meets all those requirements would ever choose them in the first place. For example, both of the girls I've dated in the past year had made 30 point lists of qualities they wanted in a man, yet neither had ever considered, as far as I could tell, what qualities of their own they had that made them worth such a man. Many girls have this attitude because of the constant message in our culture that girls are a prize to be won, that they're valuable just for existing while the guy has to compete for their hand. However, I think guys as well are not all together immune to this failing. I've noticed in my own thinking that I naturally spend much more time thinking of all the virtues I'd like in a girl rather than what I am called to be. In order to fight back against this tendency, I would like to discuss what a godly man (and husband) should be.
First and foremost, a godly man must not be lazy. Paul said that if anyone would not work, they shouldn't be able to eat. Men are obligated to work to provide for their families, and a lazy sluggard will leave his wife and children hungry and destitute. You can see this role of men all the way back at the curse, where God cursed Adam and Eve both in their primary functions, Eve in bearing children, and Adam in working to bring food. Work as a result of the fall is hard and not necessarily something we do for fun, but it is what we are called to do.
Men are called to be strong, principled, and courageous. These three things are closely related to each other. We see this in 1 Corinthians 16: "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." This is one of the clearest verses in Scripture that teaches that men specifically are expected to act a certain way. Paul here equates acting like a man with strength of conviction in the articles of our faith. One very literal translation actually translated the end of that verse as "be men, be strong." Even in the Old Testament, God constantly commanded Joshua to "be strong and very courageous." A man who is strong, both physically and in the strength of his convictions, who stands by his principles and will go through grave danger to protect his people, is a man worthy of admiration.
Men are to be leaders and authorities, and they should be worthy of that honor and responsibility. If my wife is commanded to submit herself to me "as to the lord," and "in everything," if she is told to obey me, if I am her head in an analogous way to Christ being the head of the Church, then I have an incredibly awesome honor and responsibility. This level of power men have been given is often abused, once again going back to the curse after the Fall where Eve was told that her desire would be against her husband but he would rule over her. What was once a benevolent leadership was all too often turned into a tyrannical leadership as a result of the fall. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, specifically in the way Christ sanctified her, washing her and making her clean so that she would be holy. Paul says in that way husbands are to love their wives. My authority and leadership are to be used to lead my wife towards God and towards holiness. I should always have her best interest and the best interest of my family at heart. I am to cherish my wife as my own flesh.
One of the largest drives a man has is the sex drive. It has the ability to overpower a man, but a godly man only uses it in a God-honoring way. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that I am not to deprive my wife of my conjugal duties. She has a right to expect regular sex from me (as I do from her), if you don't want to have sex with someone, don't marry them. Most men don't have much of a problem with this aspect of sexual morality (it's more often women who struggle with their daily libedo) but that is not all we are commanded. In Proverbs we are repeatedly warned about the dangers of the "wanton woman," the adulterous, who's lips drip with honey, but who's path leads to death.
Lastly, a godly man is a godly father, one who raises his children up in the way they should go. Children are to honor, respect, and obey their parents, and parents are to lead their children towards holiness. In Deuteronomy we are told to teach the Law diligently to our children, at all times. "You shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." We are always discipling our children. This also includes discipline, since "whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Many women have great difficulty spanking their children, so a man should do all he can to take this responsibility upon himself when it is possible.
I hope that has painted a picture of what kind of man God desires, and what kind of man I hope to be.
People have a tendency to make long lists of requirements they want in a potential mate, without ever considering why a person who meets all those requirements would ever choose them in the first place. For example, both of the girls I've dated in the past year had made 30 point lists of qualities they wanted in a man, yet neither had ever considered, as far as I could tell, what qualities of their own they had that made them worth such a man. Many girls have this attitude because of the constant message in our culture that girls are a prize to be won, that they're valuable just for existing while the guy has to compete for their hand. However, I think guys as well are not all together immune to this failing. I've noticed in my own thinking that I naturally spend much more time thinking of all the virtues I'd like in a girl rather than what I am called to be. In order to fight back against this tendency, I would like to discuss what a godly man (and husband) should be.
First and foremost, a godly man must not be lazy. Paul said that if anyone would not work, they shouldn't be able to eat. Men are obligated to work to provide for their families, and a lazy sluggard will leave his wife and children hungry and destitute. You can see this role of men all the way back at the curse, where God cursed Adam and Eve both in their primary functions, Eve in bearing children, and Adam in working to bring food. Work as a result of the fall is hard and not necessarily something we do for fun, but it is what we are called to do.
Men are called to be strong, principled, and courageous. These three things are closely related to each other. We see this in 1 Corinthians 16: "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." This is one of the clearest verses in Scripture that teaches that men specifically are expected to act a certain way. Paul here equates acting like a man with strength of conviction in the articles of our faith. One very literal translation actually translated the end of that verse as "be men, be strong." Even in the Old Testament, God constantly commanded Joshua to "be strong and very courageous." A man who is strong, both physically and in the strength of his convictions, who stands by his principles and will go through grave danger to protect his people, is a man worthy of admiration.
Men are to be leaders and authorities, and they should be worthy of that honor and responsibility. If my wife is commanded to submit herself to me "as to the lord," and "in everything," if she is told to obey me, if I am her head in an analogous way to Christ being the head of the Church, then I have an incredibly awesome honor and responsibility. This level of power men have been given is often abused, once again going back to the curse after the Fall where Eve was told that her desire would be against her husband but he would rule over her. What was once a benevolent leadership was all too often turned into a tyrannical leadership as a result of the fall. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, specifically in the way Christ sanctified her, washing her and making her clean so that she would be holy. Paul says in that way husbands are to love their wives. My authority and leadership are to be used to lead my wife towards God and towards holiness. I should always have her best interest and the best interest of my family at heart. I am to cherish my wife as my own flesh.
One of the largest drives a man has is the sex drive. It has the ability to overpower a man, but a godly man only uses it in a God-honoring way. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 that I am not to deprive my wife of my conjugal duties. She has a right to expect regular sex from me (as I do from her), if you don't want to have sex with someone, don't marry them. Most men don't have much of a problem with this aspect of sexual morality (it's more often women who struggle with their daily libedo) but that is not all we are commanded. In Proverbs we are repeatedly warned about the dangers of the "wanton woman," the adulterous, who's lips drip with honey, but who's path leads to death.
"Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well.The command to rejoice in the wife of your youth is especially worth bringing out. As wives age and lose their youthful beauty, men struggle with the temptation of the younger woman, but we are called to be faithful to our wife and her alone. Sensual love is glorified, but only in the marital embrace.
Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets?
Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love."
Lastly, a godly man is a godly father, one who raises his children up in the way they should go. Children are to honor, respect, and obey their parents, and parents are to lead their children towards holiness. In Deuteronomy we are told to teach the Law diligently to our children, at all times. "You shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." We are always discipling our children. This also includes discipline, since "whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." Many women have great difficulty spanking their children, so a man should do all he can to take this responsibility upon himself when it is possible.
I hope that has painted a picture of what kind of man God desires, and what kind of man I hope to be.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Give Me A Little Respect
(written 8/16/18)
Aretha Franklin died today. One of the articles Drudge linked to about her was the story of how she took the song "Respect" (which was originally about a beaten down man asking for some respect from his wife) and turned it into a feminist anthem. That got me thinking once again about the idea of respect and why feminists seem to be so obsessed with it.
Feminist demands for respect from men have always been difficult to deal with because the only alternative seems to be "disrespecting" women, and no one says that women should be belittled and disrespected. So, on the face of it, it seems like the feminists are in the right. Yet, something always didn't sit easy with me when thinking about it. I think I've finally got a better understanding of what exactly is going on.
Take, as an analogy, the relationship between a king and a peasant living in his kingdom. Now I realize this is probably the most offensive analogy I could have come up with but bear with me for a second. If the peasant walked up to the king and said, "hey, I need you to do x, y, & z for me" that would be incredibly impudent and disrespectful to the king and he would rightly be thrown out. However, if the king called the peasant and say, "hey, I need you to do x, y, & z for me" that would be perfectly natural. So what is the difference? Their different stations in life command different levels of respect and deference when relating to others. Now this is not to say that a husband is a king and a wife is a peasant, but it establishes that respect in behavior is not applied equally to all. Yet even the peasant could be disrespected by the king if the king abused his authority. For example, imagine if the king had told the peasant, "come over here and kneel on the ground so I can use your back as a footrest." Most people would agree that that is an overly demanding and demeaning command, even from a king.
Let's apply this to the relationships between men and women. A husband is the head of the wife and wives are repeatedly told in Scripture to respect (often better translated reverence) and obey their husbands. However, when husbands are instructed on how to treat their wives, the focus is always on loving and cherishing them. Yet no husband who is loving and cherishing his wife is going to treat her in a demeaning way. But that doesn't mean husbands are to submit and respectfully defer to their wives. The type of respect wives owe to husbands is different than the type of respect husbands owe to wives. Wives respect their husbands by cheerfully submitting to instructions and following their lead. Husbands honor their wives as the weaker vessel by not leading in an overbearing way ("live with your wives in an understanding way") and looking out for the wife's best interests.
Aretha Franklin died today. One of the articles Drudge linked to about her was the story of how she took the song "Respect" (which was originally about a beaten down man asking for some respect from his wife) and turned it into a feminist anthem. That got me thinking once again about the idea of respect and why feminists seem to be so obsessed with it.
Feminist demands for respect from men have always been difficult to deal with because the only alternative seems to be "disrespecting" women, and no one says that women should be belittled and disrespected. So, on the face of it, it seems like the feminists are in the right. Yet, something always didn't sit easy with me when thinking about it. I think I've finally got a better understanding of what exactly is going on.
Take, as an analogy, the relationship between a king and a peasant living in his kingdom. Now I realize this is probably the most offensive analogy I could have come up with but bear with me for a second. If the peasant walked up to the king and said, "hey, I need you to do x, y, & z for me" that would be incredibly impudent and disrespectful to the king and he would rightly be thrown out. However, if the king called the peasant and say, "hey, I need you to do x, y, & z for me" that would be perfectly natural. So what is the difference? Their different stations in life command different levels of respect and deference when relating to others. Now this is not to say that a husband is a king and a wife is a peasant, but it establishes that respect in behavior is not applied equally to all. Yet even the peasant could be disrespected by the king if the king abused his authority. For example, imagine if the king had told the peasant, "come over here and kneel on the ground so I can use your back as a footrest." Most people would agree that that is an overly demanding and demeaning command, even from a king.
Let's apply this to the relationships between men and women. A husband is the head of the wife and wives are repeatedly told in Scripture to respect (often better translated reverence) and obey their husbands. However, when husbands are instructed on how to treat their wives, the focus is always on loving and cherishing them. Yet no husband who is loving and cherishing his wife is going to treat her in a demeaning way. But that doesn't mean husbands are to submit and respectfully defer to their wives. The type of respect wives owe to husbands is different than the type of respect husbands owe to wives. Wives respect their husbands by cheerfully submitting to instructions and following their lead. Husbands honor their wives as the weaker vessel by not leading in an overbearing way ("live with your wives in an understanding way") and looking out for the wife's best interests.
Monday, August 13, 2018
The Causes of the Ultimate Destruction of My First Relationship
(started 7/23/18, forgot about for a month, finished 8/13/18)
With an interest in self improvement, and because I've still been thinking about it quite a bit lately, I'm going to write down what I see as the problems and ultimate causes of the demise of my first relationship.
1. Me and Brenna began to develop underlying disagreements that, instead of resolving and coming to unity on, we would change topics and leave the issue unresolved. The main one that comes to mind is our slightly differing views on feminism/gender roles. This topic was at least tangentially related to multiple causes of our breakup. We both believed in Male headship in marriage and the church (though she was much weaker on those when we met), but we had different understandings of how exactly that played out and also what were the biblical gender roles in broader society.
I saw what I considered to be a compromise with feminism on her part, and her lack of fully embracing what I see as biblical womanhood caused me great consternation. However, I am still fully working out my understanding of these issues, and though I realized there was an problem, I didn't know how to adequately explain my thoughts, at least to where she could understand them. Instead, being the graceless person that i am often am, I reacted by going too far in the other direction, as if thinking that would drag her with me.
2. My visceral hatred for feminism, which I still have, and still believe is justified, also caused me to sometimes say things/present ideas that I think were unbiblical in how they treated women because I enjoyed how anti-feminist such thoughts were and the theoretical offense they would cause in such a person (I've also overreacted to political correctness to the point where I've often taking delight in trying to offend people).
3. I have a strong sex drive. That can be good in and of itself, but in a dating relationship it can cause problems. I have always remained unsure about how issues of intimacy are to best be handled while dating (not whether sex is fine while dating or anything but more like where to draw the line and what types of conversation and sexual jokes are appropriate). I was consciously aware of how my sex drive might influence my positions on such issues but I don't think I was able to successfully counteract it. I shan't get into specifics, but one big example was how Brenna told me I'd guess a little over a month before it ended that she had begun to feel uncomfortable with our sexual innuendo. I completely agreed with her, but I (a) did not make that clear to her (probably out of some vague misguided "game" related ideas), and (b) did not come close to successfully stopping that kind of language in our conversations. I take full responsibility for that.
4. I probably could have given her more comfort in the sense of telling her how much I cared about her regularly. There were times when I thought about texting her out of the blue something along the lines of, "just felt like telling you I love you right now," but never did. The reason I didn't is not 100% clear to me but is either a result of a bad "game" influence, me just not being an emotionally expressive person, or just an inexperience doing that kind of thing in a relationship. Probably some combination of all of them. I wish I had done that kind of thing a bit more because I definitely did care about her deeply.
5. As this was my first serious romantic relationship, I would experiment with different things to see what was good and what wasn't and how she would react. I learned some beneficial stuff from that, but I also went way overboard sometimes and may have caused lasting damage. There's one specific time that comes to mind where she got slightly up in arms over something and I, trying to be teasing, said, "calm your tits" and then when (shockingly) she didn't respond well to that, ran myself further into the ground saying, "so you don't want sugartits as a nickname then?" Don't really know what I was thinking there.
6. Somehow I feel like the relationship became less centered around God at it went along. I fondly remember our earlier days texting where we would regularly have deep discussion about God and theology and Christianity and over time that seemed to go away. I remember the last time we saw each other, paintballing, and how we were talking about how we met and how it was over a discussion of the problem of evil and I thought to myself, "we really haven't talked about stuff like that much lately." As with a couple of the other issues, it was a case of me noticing a problem but not fixing it proactively enough. I suppose this could be seen as blameworthy on each of our parts, but as the man, I think I shoulder the final responsibility.
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